Dance Like Nobody’s Watching…

..because anyone watching is probably as hammered as you are anyway.

You all know how it works peeps. You log into Facebook and scroll down and down and down and down some more and down a little further, trawling through all the positive, uplifting quotes and pretty pictures with positive, uplifting quotes written on them.

I mean, how many times has the following happened to you this week: You log into Facebook.. scroll scroll scroll… A newborn child in its mother’s arms… scroll scroll scroll… A silhouette of a person with arms outstretched in a field… scroll scroll scroll… rainbow.

Seriously, fuck that rainbow.

Enough is enough. Below are some common adages laid bare, exposed for the charlatans they really are. It may be a little confronting, as the truth often is, but stay strong and always remember: a life lived in a lie is a blah blah blah blah blah.

 

All things come to those who wait. Who wants all things? I’m fine with a few. A packet of Burger Rings and a Coke Zero, that’s it. Done. So I’m not waiting.

In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away. Especially if you’re asthmatic.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. You lost me.

Flattery will get you nowhere. Except, y’know, a good job, a partner, the largest and most tasty looking pastry at the bakery. Everything. FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYTHING. For example, the following has never occurred:

Job Interviewer: So, thanks for coming in for an interview.

Applicant: You’re ugly.

Job Interviewer: And you’re hired!

It’s. Never. Happened.

When one door closes, another opens. That’s how hallways work.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth is a good way to end up with a fucked up face.

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Instead, read about half of the blurb on the back before buying 3 or 4 at once, taking them home and never touching them again.

If you can’t stand the heat then get out of the kitchen. OR.. just stick to salads and sandwiches.

Everything happens for a reason. Nope. Not thrush. No-one has ever got a promotion or a new house or found their one true love and said “It was the thrush!”.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. No, you know what keeps the doctor away? The receptionist who books the appointments for three minute intervals, resulting in the doctor always running 4 hours late. That’s who. And then they have the nerve to go around blaming apples! Ridiculous.

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining. Which is like saying that behind the bank’s walls, there is money. I’M STILL NOT GETTING ANY OF IT.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Actually, fool me at all and you’re a dick every time.

His left hand doesn’t know what his right hand is doing! Quite the predicament. If only he had some sort of central processing unit that controlled everything from his head or something.

Saying Goodbye is not an easy word to say is a good sign that you need a speech therapist.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Yep. Every time someone has mocked me I’ve felt pretty freaking awesome.

You can’t learn to swim without getting in the water. You also can’t drown without getting in the water.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Translated: When in Rome, objectify women.

Truth is stranger than fiction. This one is actually true, as evidenced by the fact that wombats shit in perfect cubes.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and one day less that you’ll be alive. Huzzah!

To assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME, and to write it down makes it look like the name of a Prince song.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. No ladies, it’s through your vagina.

Pain is nature’s way of telling you that you’re still alive. PHEW! I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. Thanks migraine!

If at first you don’t succeed try, try, try again! Look, you’re probably shit at it. Try something else.

They get along like oil and water. Which exist peacefully side by side, adapting and changing their form in response to (and in harmony with) each other. Oil and water get along pretty well, actually. You know two things that don’t get along very well?

Water and semen.

Right fellas? Who’s with me?

*I’m totally into list making lately, sorry about that. I’ll get back to constructing paragraphs real soon.

 

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