The Genius of US Patent No. 321216423

 

About 50 years ago, two  New York natives called George and Charlotte Blonsky were visiting the Bronx Zoo when they stumbled upon an idea that, in their minds, would change forever the way that women give birth.

While wandering past the elephant enclosure they noticed an elephant in labour was repeatedly turning in concentric circles in an effort to either alleviate the pain, or to aid the calf down the birth canal. Thinking outside the box – way outside the box – they propsed that if such a process was being employed instinctively by animals in nature that a similar process could possibly assist their human counterparts.

Now, you would think that the process of freeing a child from one’s womb had been fairly fine-tuned over millions of years of evolution and centuries of medical research. Based on the idea that the Blonsky’s came up with, you would be right. The device described below shows us that the Blonsky’s were quite possibly two of the most incredible thinkers of the 20th century… and completely nuts.

Taking the idea of the elephant turning in circles and running with it like a blind kid in a relay, the childless couple developed and submitted a patent for a device called “An Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth Of A Child By Centrifugal Force”,  a contraption consisting of a birthing table sitting atop a rotating base (allowing the table to spin repeatedly), starting slowly initially before hitting peak rotating of 1.37 rotations per second.

Practically speaking, operating this marvel of modern technology would involve strapping a woman in labour to a table at least three meters long that spins at breakneck speed until the baby, propelled by centrifugal force, travels unaided down the birth canal and delivers itself into the world (or shoots out from between her legs and across the room).

As part of their patent application, they provided the following sketch of the apparatus:

 

 

Woah.

Sensibly, they’ve included a net to catch the baby as it careens out of her traumatised vagina like a stolen car in a high speed chase. You might also note they’ve given her a pair of cosy looking slipper-esque foot restraints because, let’s face it, when you find yourself strapped to what can only be described as a torture device with a child coming out of you, it’s nice to have warm feet. Not a bra, or dignity, but warm feet. The Blonsky’s were obviously very caring people despite being utterly, dementedly insane.

Amazingly, the patent was approved by the US Patent Office on the 9th of September 1965.

On the 10th of September 1965, women worldwide felt an uncontrollable urge to close their legs.

 

 

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